Burning out. Rising up.

tl;dr update

Tired of sharing advice to management only for it to be ignored or shelved. I think too much and that’s hard to change. Career wise leadership position is hard to achieve since road to Team Lead, Head of Delivery and, of course, VP of Engineering and CTO is closed for non-developers (I’m a QA/ScrumMaster person). Even more, those position balance between business/owners/investor requests on how to manage people resources. I’m tired, new job options are scarce (too experienced they say OR process is hell as current, so why bother). Seems like I need a break and switch to consulting or taxi driving?

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I don’t quite understand why I want to write this (and about what in particular): to speak up, to find fellow sufferers and understand that we are not alone with our problem, to gain attention and likes, or it’s just Valium removing my shyness and anxiousness. But I know that I want to – so fuck it. It might actually be fun and useful exercise 🙂

Let’s meet first. I’m Sergei, you can read about me here and here.

I’m burnt out, struggling with sleep disorder, anxiety (walking in circles, getting out of bed at 2AM to scribble some work related thoughts to my Moleskine) and fatigue. I’ve took 4 days off during this month, because I couldn’t get up from bed and just said “fuck it”. I work in a good company with good understanding manager (I was always lucky with managers!) and I’m switching to 4 day work week for time being.

Atm I’m inspired by this essay by Pieter Hintjens , this tweet by Kent Beck

and  this video by Greg Bauges I watched a dozen of times.

For last 5 years, especially last 2, I have moments when I’m already in bed trying to fall asleep for hour or two and then some work related thoughts pop up and I scribble them to phone or notepad. Thoughts for possible conference talk or some idea to share/apply at work. I just can’t leave the office and leave work there. Work is everywhere with me.

During last months it got worse as minor thoughts of work (and certain people there) raise my heartbeat to 100 and I start WTFking (there are a dozen great people too! it’s not all bad). It sucks. Insomnia gets worse, I know that other places are no better and here I am prescribed Valium, because this stress and sleep deprivation (supposedly) cause tinnitus which I have now.

And I want to speak about it.

Continue reading “Burning out. Rising up.”

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